


Fake News

by ViiA01



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Green Lantern - All Media Types, Justice League - All Media Types
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Misunderstandings, Secret Marriage, Stupidity, Sugar Baby, Sugar Daddy, oliver queen is a disaster
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:53:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25932436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ViiA01/pseuds/ViiA01
Summary: In which Oliver is offended that Hal picked Bruce to be his Sugar Daddy instead.Or... something.
Relationships: Hal Jordan/Bruce Wayne
Comments: 29
Kudos: 523





	Fake News

**Author's Note:**

> Whats up sluts
> 
> Would you like some crack
> 
> No?
> 
> Well too fucking bad, cause that’s all I write

Fake News

“You traitor!”

Hal yelped, spilling his coffee all over himself when something hard whacked him in the back of the head. “What the fuck-”

“Ollie!” Clark cried. “What on Earth-”

“How could you, Hal?!” Ollie bawled, dragging Hal out of his chair, and shaking him violently. “Bruce? Really?! Over me?!”

“What are you talking about?!” Hal demanded, fighting Ollie off and scrambling away with a scowl. His head throbbed and he glared at the bow in Ollie’s hand, guessing it was what Ollie had whacked him with. “What is wrong with you?!”

Clark stood up as well, wringing his hands. “Perhaps we should all just sit down-”

“What’s wrong with me?” Ollie repeated, pouting. “What’s wrong with you, Hal? What does he have that I can’t give you? I’d be a way better Sugar Daddy than him!”

Hal looked up at his best friend in horror, hand on the knot on the back of his head. “You- _What?!_ ” he exclaimed. He looked at Clark for an explanation, completely and utterly confused at what was going on.

Clark stared back at him helplessly, shrugging. “A Sugar Daddy, Ollie?” he asked carefully. “What are you talking about?”

“This!” Ollie wailed dramatically, practically hitting Hal in the nose with his phone. “How could you ask him before me?! I have just as much money as he does- well, give or take a few billions but-”

Hal snatched the phone away and looked at the screen. On it was a news article from Cosmopolitan, the headline proclaiming, ‘ _Bruce Wayne steps out with a new Sugar Baby?_ ’ and under that, there was a picture of Bruce and Hal walking out of a familiar bespoke tailor.

Clark leaned over his shoulder. “I don’t see how that-”

“I buy Dinah nice things all the time!” Ollie ranted. “I’m your best friend, Hal! You can’t go around taking money from other billionaires! You’re supposed to be on my side!”

“I’m not a sugar baby!” Hal exclaimed hotly, skimming the article with a growing sense of horror. There were more pictures; Bruce and Hal in a jewellers, Bruce paying for lunch at the restaurant, back at the tailor, where Hal was holding a black suit bag. “This is not what it looks like-”

“And here I thought Cosmo’s journalistic integrity was getting better,” Clark muttered. “So many typos-”

“What did he buy you, Hal?” Ollie pleaded, turning puppy dog eyes on him. “Clothes? Jewellery?”

“Nothing-”

“They got your age wrong,” Clark said mildly. “It says here you’re twenty six, not thirty.”

Ollie spluttered, waving his arms around angrily. “They were talking about it on the Morning Show, Hal! Someone saw you two at a restaurant and he gave you an envelope of money!”

“What?!” Hal exclaimed indignantly. “That never happened-”

The door to the breakroom slid open with a hiss. “What in Hera’s name is going on in here?” Diana asked sternly, arms folded.

Barry was behind her, blinking curiously. “We heard Ollie yelling,” he said by way of explanation.

“Hal betrayed me!” Ollie bawled, pointing at Hal accusingly.

“I didn’t-”

“Oh wow, run on sentence,” Clark muttered, taking the phone from Hal.

“Betrayed you?” Diana asked, one eyebrow rising.

“I did not-”

“He picked Bruce to be his Sugar Daddy over me!” Ollie cried. “Me! His best friend! I would be a way better Sugar Daddy than Bruce! I’m more fun, I have better fashion sense-”

“That’s debatable,” Clark muttered.

“-I have better cars, I’m more handsome!” Ollie continued. “How could you, Hal? I thought we had something special. I’d be the best Sugar Daddy! People comment it under my Instagram posts all the time!”

“I’m lost,” Diana said, looking confused. “What is a Sugar Daddy?”

Hal grimaced, the phrase sounding awful when it came from Diana. “It’s nothing-”

“A Sugar Daddy is a wealthy man who gives money, gifts and expensive things or ‘sugar’ to someone, usually younger than him, in exchange for companionship and sex. ” Clark said, still reading the article. “The recipient of those things is called a Sugar Baby. Ollie’s upset because Hal is Bruce’s Sugar Baby.”

“I am _not_ Bruce’s Sugar-”

“Yes you are! He gave you money at the restaurant! Hal, look someone got a picture of it!” Ollie wailed, snatching his phone off Clark and shoving it in Hal’s face, letting him see that someone had actually gotten a picture of Bruce handing Hal the menu.

“Wait- What?” Barry asked. “He’s giving you money? Why does he need to ‘give’ you money Hal? What happened to ‘having your own account’? He’s controlling the money now? That abusive-”

Hal stared at his best friend, open mouthed at the leap in logic. “You- Wha- Barry!”

“Ah, so Bruce is like Hal’s benefactor?” Diana asked.

“Basically,” Clark said. “But it less of a mentor/mentee relationship-”

Ollie was giving Hal puppy dog eyes, though the effect was slightly ruined by the fact that he was a thirty five year old man with a moustache. “I could’ve been your benefactor, Hal,” he said pathetically.

“How long has this been going on?” Barry wanted to know, arms folded. He probably thought he looked intimidating, but he really didn’t.

Hal genuinely didn’t know when the conversation had decided he was in fact Bruce’s Sugar Baby. “I am not Bruce’s Sugar Baby!” he bellowed.

“We had a similar arrangement on Themiscyra. Those who wanted to, could apply to have a benefactor who would help them manage their households while they trained,” Diana was saying to Clark, completely ignoring Hal. “Ordinarily there was no sexual agreement, though I suspect it happened more often than not.”

The door to the breakroom slid open again and Bruce, Victor, and Billy were standing in the doorway.

Victor raised an eyebrow at them curiously. “Did I miss a meeting memo?” he joked.

“What are you doing?” Bruce demanded rudely, tablet in hand and mouth set in a disapproving frown. “It sounds like a zoo in here.”

“Wayne!” Ollie cried, barging up to Bruce, bow in hand. “It’s not enough that you steal my employees, but now my best friend?! What’d you buy him, huh? Was it a car? Hal I can buy you any car you like- do you want a Rolls? What about a Lambo-”

“For gods sake, Ollie!” Hal said, throwing up his hands in exasperation. “How can my own husband be my Sugar Daddy?!”

It took a moment for the room to realise what he had said, but Diana and Clark trailed off, staring at Hal in shock. Victor blinked a few times and Billy dropped his chips.

Bruce’s mouth clamped shut and he closed his eyes tightly. A muscle jumped in his jaw. “Hal,” he growled in exasperation. He was no doubt pissed, since they had agreed to tell the League individually to avoid this exact reaction but then he wasn’t he one being grilled about being a Sugar Baby.

For a few beats, the breakroom was silent and then-

“ _Your **what**_?!” Ollie shrieked, going purple.

“Husband?” Clark repeated, squinting in confusion. “Bruce-”

“I must say, I did not see that coming,” Victor said, nodding slowly to himself.

“You guys are married?” Billy, as Shazam, asked. “Since when? I thought you guys hated each other?”

“Are you controlling Hal’s access to money?” Barry demanded, stomping right up to Bruce. “Because if you are, I’ll-”

Bruce rubbed his forehead, glaring at Hal beneath his hand.

Hal pulled a face back, cheeks warm with humiliation.

“Iris works for the Mayor,” Barry continued. “I don’t care if you’re a billionaire-”

“I am not abusing Hal,” Bruce said sharply, losing his cool for a moment. “He has his own account, Barry. And you were there when he bought the car-”

“So there is a car!” Ollie cried in outrage. “This is worse than you being a Sugar Baby- Hal, what about me? I could be your rich husband!”

Hal groaned. “Ollie, for god’s sake-”

“When did this happen?” Diana demanded. “How long have you two been in a relationship?”

Clark sidled up to Bruce, pouting. “You didn’t tell me you got married,” he said sadly. “You didn’t even tell me you and Hal were dating. I told you all about Lois and I- Why didn’t you tell me? I would’ve help you plan it-”

“I have a better question,” Victor said with a shit eating grin. “Why weren’t we invited to the wedding?”

“I was,” Barry said helpfully. “I was a witness-”

Diana, Clark, Ollie, and Billy turned to look at Hal and Bruce accusingly.

“It wasn’t relevant,” Bruce said sharply. “This is your fault,” he muttered to Hal.

“Oh yeah? They weren’t calling you a Sugar Baby,” Hal hissed back. “What was I supposed to do?”

“I like weddings,” Clark wheedled. “I could’ve been your best man, Bruce.”

“I too, like weddings,” Diana said, folding her arms. “And between two of my closest friends and allies- I am hurt none of us were invited and that you didn’t even tell us. I would have given you a gift, like I did with-”

“Yeah, that’s not fair- Why did Barry get to go and not us!” Billy said childishly. “I call redo!”

“Hal! How could you invite Barry but not me?!” Ollie wailed.

* * *

“I don’t look that much older than you,” Bruce murmured, touching his jaw as he examined himself in the mirror, razor in one hand.

Hal rolled his eyes, putting down the moisturiser. “Seriously?”

“Sugar Babies are usually quite a bit younger than their Daddies,” Bruce said, matter of fact. “For then to think you were my Sugar Baby means that you look significantly younger than me. Which isn’t true-”

“Or it was a shitty magazine that’s losing popularity?” Hal asked, rubbing the moisturiser on his face. “You’re going to have to say something.”

Bruce grunted, flicking shaving cream and water off the razor, and resuming shaving the stubble on his chin and throat. “I’ll have the PR team draft something.”

“Father! Jordan!”

The door to their bedroom slammed open.

Hal counted down in his head, moving away from the basin.

At two, the bathroom door banged open and Damian came barrelling in, holding his iPad, Titus hot on his heels. The giant dog skidded on the tiles, trying to slow down and went careening into Bruce’s side.

“Damian!” Bruce scolded, staggering sideways and nearly falling. “Titus! Down!’

Titus barked loudly, taking it as an invitation to leap at Bruce again, tail wagging.

“Jordan,” Damian said imperiously, ignoring his father and his dog, “you must sue this publication at once! They’re publishing slander and lies about you and Father!” he held up his iPad insistently, displaying a Twitter thread under the original Cosmopolitan article, filled with scandalous speculation.

Hal laughed at the sight of Bruce, shirtless, with shaving cream on his face and neck, wrestling with a giant, dopey eyed great Dane. “Are they?” he asked, dragging Titus off Bruce.

“Damian!” Bruce said sharply. “Out of the bathroom. Take Titus with you.”

“But Father!”

“Now, Damian!” Bruce said severely.

Damian pouted but slunk out of the room with a sharp command to his behemoth of a dog.

Hal snorted at the sight Bruce made, the big bad bat of Gotham, covered in shaving cream after being accosted by a dog. “Slander and lies,” he repeated with a snort. “He and Jason have been reading the classics again.”

Bruce grunted. “Damn dog,” he muttered, swiping his face clean with a flannel. “He’s not wrong though. Calling you a Sugar Baby is insulting as best, defamation at worst.”

“Depends on if they knew we were married.”

“Marriage licenses are public record,” Bruce said with a scowl. It had always been a point of contention with him, seeing as he didn’t like for the public to know anything about their family whatsoever.

There was a yell from their bedroom and someone that sounded a whole lot like Jason started laughing.

“Drake! You fool!”

Hal snickered. “Your kids,” he said lightly.

“Yours now too,” Bruce murmured, patting his face dry. His eyes found Hal’s and he didn’t smile, but his gaze was soft.

“Not yet,” Hal reminded him.

Bruce acquiesced that with a slight incline of his head. He sighed a moment later when there was a thump from the bedroom, and the muffled sounds of the TV being turned on.

Hal let Bruce finish washing up, closing the bathroom door behind him. He was greeted by the entirety of Bruce’s, and his too, he supposed, brood, sprawled over the lounge suite in Bruce’s sitting room. The TV was on, playing a trashy entertainment channel. “Hey kiddos.”

Ace whined at Hal, obviously unhappy with his quiet space being invaded by five loud humans and an even louder dog.

Dick beamed at him, fussing with Ace’s ears. “Hi Hal,” he said. “Look, you made the news!”

Hal eyed the TV and the very blond woman and shiny faced man on the screen. They were dissecting the shaky video of Hal and Bruce eating a restaurant, excitedly pointing out things. Apparently Hal’s eye roll was meant to be ‘enticing’.

In reality, Hal had been rolling his eyes at the set menu that pointedly didn’t have prices and was typed in some unreadable abomination of a cursive font.

Jason looked at him, eating a slice of lemon cake. “Heard you were the old man’s sugar baby now,” he said, waggling his eyebrows.

“Do not breath life into the lie!” Damian insisted, sitting up from where he and Tim were wrestling.

Tim pitched him off and rolled upright. “You are so dramatic,” he said with a smile. “Tam’s already talked to the PR team and they’ll have something ready in the morning,” he told Hal.

“Thanks Tim.”

“At least tell me you got an island out of it,” Jason drawled, putting his feet in Cassandra’s lap. “A plane? A car? Did you make him sign away his fortune?”

Cass patted Jason's calf with one hand, waving at Hal with the other.

Hal waved back. “No island, I’m afraid.”

“Well then what is even the point?” Jason complained good naturedly.

“Us!” Dick said cheerily. “Right, Hal?”

Titus barked at Ace when the old dog jumped off the sofa. The Great Dane’s tail whipped back and forth excitedly, bowing playfully as he tried to entice the old dog to play with him.

“Titus,” Bruce rumbled tiredly. “Damian-”

“Titus!” Damian commanded imperiously, grabbing the Great Dane by the collar and pulling him away.

Ace huffed and padded back into the bedroom, no doubt to curl up on the end of the bed.

On the TV, the blonde woman was busy explaining how Sugar Baby relationships worked, the video of Bruce and Hal replaying behind her. Her co-host was nodding away, as if he understood what she was talking about.

“Father, you have to put an end to this!” Damian insisted, a distressed look on his face.

“Oh chill out, batbrat,” Jason said lazily, waving a hand. “Didn’t you hear Timbalina? Tam’s workin’ on it. Hal and the old man will be just fine.”

“Shut up, Todd!”

Dick looked up at Bruce and Hal, expression uncharacteristically sombre. “You don’t look worried,” he said to Hal. “You’re really okay with all this? The media can be pretty vicious.”

Hal shrugged. In truth, it did sort of bother him. Not the media, but how quickly Ollie, his supposed best friend, had jumped to the conclusion that Hal was sleeping with Bruce for money. “It’ll work out,” he said. “And Bruce has that army of lawyers for a reason.”

Bruce snorted, putting a warm hand on the small of Hal’s back. “Yes, well, they might earn some of that money I’m paying them,” he muttered.

“I can look into whether anyone pulled the marriage certificate before the article went out,” Tim offered, bullying his way onto the couch between Jason and Cass. He ignored Jason’s complaints, snuggling up next to Cassandra, who was all too happy to offer him a piece of chocolate she had gotten from somewhere.

After a while, Hal had stopped wondering where she kept getting food from. It was best not to ask, because he wouldn’t get a straight answer anyway.

“No,” Bruce said. “We’ll handle this legally.”

Jason snorted. “That’s a first for us,” he said, tipping his head back to look at Bruce. He sat back up. “Hear that, brat? No threatening reporters.”

“I will kill you, Todd,” Damian vowed, arms crossed as he glared at the TV. “I don’t like this channel,” he decided.

“Well how about we change it?” Dick asked, patting the cushion next to him on the loveseat. “C’mon Little D, I have just the thing to watch…”

Damian shoved Dick’s hand away but climbed up to sit next to Dick anyway. “I want to watch Zombies,” he said. “28 Days Later.”

“No,” Bruce and Hal said at the same time.

Hal shot a look at Tim, who was suddenly pretending that Jason’s leg was very interesting. Hal loved zombie movies as much as any other guy, but some of them were definitely not appropriate viewing material for a twelve year old with aggression issues.

28 Days Later was one such movie.

“I have something better,” Dick said, pressing a button on the tablet that served as the remote for the TV. Hal still didn’t know why Bruce had picked such a giant TV for his ‘wing’ of the house but he wasn’t complaining.

“Is this the wedding channel?” Jason demanded, sitting up and almost kneeing Tim in the chin. “Dick, seriously? No one wants to watch Wedding Cake Wars!”

“I do,” Dick said, turning to look at Hal and Bruce with a smug, knowing smile. “You know who I got a call from this afternoon?” he asked.

Hal sighed, imagining that one of the Justice League, Clark or Diana probably, had called to complain about being kept out of the loop of Bruce and Hal’s relationship.

Uncle Clark,” Dick said, a sly smile on his face, “and he was very upset that I didn’t tell him about the wedding and so I-”

Bruce groaned, forehead thumping against the back of Hal’s head. “Dick,” he said, trying for stern, though it came out more resigned than anything.

“It’s too late!” Dick said excitedly. “It’s happening! Alfred’s excited- you can’t take it back or he’ll be sad, and do you want to make Alfred sad, Bruce?”

“Yeah, Bruce,” Jason chimed in with a shit eating grin. “You can’t make Alfred sad.”

“It’s just wrong,” Tim added with a serious nod. “Right Cass?”

Cass nodded. “Have to,” she said with a shrug.

Damian looked at Hal and Bruce and nodded. “I will help. A large ceremony will serve to quiet any unsavoury rumours,” he decided with all the seriousness of a twelve year old.

“Your kids,” Hal murmured.

Bruce grunted. “Not for long,” he muttered petulantly.

* * *

“Ugh, it’s too early,” Tim complained, clutching his keep cup of coffee like it was the only thing holding him up. He looked every bit like the quintessential bleary seventeen year old, hair barely brushed and dark circles around his eyes. “Why are we out here?”

Ace trotted ahead of Hal jauntily, tail held high. The dog park was full of other families and dog owners playing and walking their dogs.

Now it wasn’t like there wasn’t enough room for Ace and Titus to run around at the manor, but there was a dearth of gossip columnists on the manor grounds. And Hal needed gossip columnists. So they were at the dog park, bright and early, walking in meandering circles.

“We’re… doing PR,” Hal said, holding onto Ace’s leash. Behind them, he could hear Jason and Damian arguing over the best way to hold Titus’ leash. Bruce was at the office, dealing with the firestorm that had seized Wayne Enterprises with the rumours that Bruce Wayne had a new Sugar Baby.

Dick had gone along with him to make sure his head didn’t explode.

Bruce had expressly instructed them to stay at home until the official statement was released, but Hal had never been one to do what Bruce said. Where was the fun in that?

“PR?” Tim repeated faintly, squinting grumpily. “That’s the PR team’s job. Ugh- whoever invented the sun needs to be shot.”

“Buck up, champ,” Hal said, messing up Tim’s hair. “Oh- here they come.”

“Here who come?” Tim demanded, not even bothering to fix his hair, leaving it sticking up in all directions.

“Todd, you idiot!” Damian shrieked shrilly from behind them. “Look what you’ve done! Jordan!”

Hal turned around to see that somehow Titus had got tangled up with another dog and was whining at Damian and Jason pitifully, the leash wrapped tightly around his nose and muzzle. “Oh good lord,” he muttered. “Ace, come.”

Tim leaned on Hal as Hal, Jason and the other dog’s owner got them untangled.

The other dog owner huffed at her dog. “See, Oscar?” she said as she pulled him away. “That’s what happens.”

Damian glowered at Jason, smoothing Titus’ fur down anxiously. The Great Dane didn’t seem to care all that much, more interested in trying to get Ace to pay attention to him.

Ace was more interested in Jason’s bagel, nosing at the paper bag.

“Excuse me,” a warm voice interrupted.

Hal turned around with a smile. “Yes?” he said.

There was a very pretty young woman standing behind Hal, with a harried looking assistant trailing behind her, iPhone in hand. Filming no doubt. “I’m Christa with Cosmo- I’m not sure if you’ve heard of me, but I published an article yesterday about Bruce Wayne’s new Sugar Baby.”

“We might’ve seen it,” Jason said vaguely.

“Well anyway,” Christa said. “I was just wondering if I could get a statement from you about the story. It is about you after all.”

“Don’t answer that,” Tim said with a frown, apparently awake now.

“It’s fine, Tim.”

“Tim?” Christa said. “So you’re close enough to Bruce Wayne to go on family outings with his children? That’s a bit unusual for a Sugar Baby isn’t it? Normally they’re hidden away from the family and the public aren’t they? You know, due to the… illegal nature of their relationship?”

Hal grinned. No doubt she thought she was entrapping Hal into saying something, but she had just given him an opening to really shock the country. And there was one thing Hal loved more than flying and Bruce, and that was putting on a show. “Well technically, Sugar Baby is the wrong-”

“Vultures!” Damian interrupted loudly, pointing at the woman accusingly. Titus barked in agreement, standing at attention, though the affect was slightly ruined by the drool on his nose. “All of you!”

Jason grabbed Damian around the middle, clapping a hand over his mouth. “He learns a new word every day,” he said. “He gets very excited.”

Damian squirmed, kicking ferociously. There was a muffled yell of ‘Todd’ behind Jason’s hand.

Christa gave him a patronising smile before turning back to Hal. “Sorry, you were saying about being a Sugar Baby?”

“Oh,” Hal said with a winning smile, delighting in the blush it got him, “I was just going to say, the correct term is _Trophy Husband_.”

**Author's Note:**

> I will die on the hill that Hal enjoys the finer things in life.
> 
> He dated celebrities, so the boy likes that expensive life.
> 
> I’m not taking any other opinions because I’m right.
> 
> Also I don’t think men shave at night, but uh, I kinda fucked up and I’m too tired to fix it lmao.


End file.
